Onward, Upward, and Further In

When it comes to suffering, I’ve done a LOT of hiding in my life.     More than anyone can imagine.     I’m learning to be more open about suffering. Sometimes this openness feels wildly open, if I’m honest.     It has been uncomfortable to come out of hiding.     However, when I hid, it wasn’t necessarily voluntary.     I was paralyzed: I couldn’t physically bring myself to share difficult experiences.     I also didn’t always know I was hiding.     It just happened.     So often, it wasn’t a conscious choice.       When I hide in my suffering, I try to suppress the truth of the suffering.  It’s my attempt to subvert tough realities.  My hiding in suffering is also very much about shame, this feeling of falling short, not being enough, and not being worth protection and care.  I want to be covered, so I hide.     I’ve found there’s a high cost to h...

One of the Most Important Disciplines for My Life and Godliness is RE-ORIENTATION. There are many spiritual disciplines that are vital for maturity in our relationship with God. Some of these are: prayer, bible reading, bible study, bible memorisation, meditation, silence and solitude, and fasting. However, the most important spiritual discipline for my ability to keep my eyes on Christ is not something I learned in my spirituality classes! I learned it in my Psalms class with Dr. David Barker! Granted, it involves Bible reading and prayer and meditation! But it's a different approach to these things.   We can be re-oriented through our daily Bible reading plan.  But we might need more, we might need ‘spot checks’.  We can be re-oriented through general prayer, but we might need to learn a different kind of praying.  We can be re-oriented through meditation, but again – we might need ‘spot checks’. Dr. Barker, in our Psalms class, taught us about ...

Contentment has been hard to cultivate in my life. We live in a world of luxuries, luxuries that generations before us never had. When I don't have a body that functions like the normal people around me, and I cannot do basic things, like drive my daughter places, it's easy to compare myself to the majority around me who can do these things for their kids.   We haven't been able to give Karalise consistent swimming lessons because my health wasn't well enough to consistently drive her every week. This can make me feel worthless, frustrated, fearful, and so many other feelings of discontent. When my mind is tormented and does not function like the normal people around me, it's easy to despair. It's easy to blame myself or blame God for being in a state of crippling despair, or crippling hypervigilance. I am tempted to feel worthless. I am tempted to give up. When I cannot go on vacation due to the expense of finding a place that is fragrance free, not mold...

My husband, Sony has been singing the Read Your Bible Sunday School song lately! The lyrics go: Read your Bible. Pray every day (repeat 3 times). Read your Bible. Pray every day. And you’ll grow, grow, grow (repeat 3 times). Read your Bible. Pray every day. And you’ll grow, grow, grow. I'm so thankful for this song, and what it teaches! It's precious. But, sadly, I have learned it's not necessarily true. Reading our Bibles and praying every day may not result in growth. Shocking, right! I learned this sad truth (albeit loosely) from another Sunday School song I Just Wanna Be a Sheep. I Just Wanna Be a Sheep Chorus I just wanna be a sheep Baa, baa, baa, baa I just wanna be a sheep Baa, baa, baa, baa I pray the Lord my soul to keep I just wanna be a sheep Baa, baa, baa, baa, Verse 1 Don't wanna be a goat…nope Don't wanna be a goat…nope Haven't got any hope…nope Don't wanna be a goat…nope Verse 2 Don't wanna be a hypocrite Don't wanna be a hypocrite ...

I've shared these things before, but Sony was in Psalm 40 this week. He ministered this passage to me and to others, and as he shared this passage, it crystallized why I had such a hard time reading Scripture for so long. ---------- ~Psalm 40:13-17 "Be pleased, O Lord, to deliver me! O Lord, make haste to help me! Let those be put to shame and disappointed altogether who seek to snatch away my life; let those be turned back and brought to dishonour who delight in my hurt! Let those be appalled because of their shame who say to me, 'AHA, AHA!' But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation say continually, 'Great is the Lord!' As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord takes thought for me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God!" ------------ I went through some traumatic events in the last decade or so.   My health collapsed, and I received judgment about my health. I have a sensitive conscienc...