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On Contentment:

Contentment has been hard to cultivate in my life. We live in a world of luxuries, luxuries that generations before us never had.

When I don't have a body that functions like the normal people around me, and I cannot do basic things, like drive my daughter places, it's easy to compare myself to the majority around me who can do these things for their kids.  

We haven't been able to give Karalise consistent swimming lessons because my health wasn't well enough to consistently drive her every week. This can make me feel worthless, frustrated, fearful, and so many other feelings of discontent.

When my mind is tormented and does not function like the normal people around me, it's easy to despair. It's easy to blame myself or blame God for being in a state of crippling despair, or crippling hypervigilance. I am tempted to feel worthless. I am tempted to give up.

When I cannot go on vacation due to the expense of finding a place that is fragrance free, not moldy, not dusty, quiet, accessible for a wheelchair, I can feel like I don't get to live. It seems like everybody else gets to have vacation every year, but I am stuck at home. I feel like I cost my family their right to have vacation. We haven't been on vacation in years. We won't be able to do that this year either. Travelling is very difficult for me. Even if I do find a safe place, my body is utterly exhausted and broken by the packing and preparation for vacation. Plus, health issues are very expensive, and we are struggling financially. I can struggle with depression and self-pity. Vacations are a big deal in North America. Many people seem to travel the entire world, and I get to stay in my bed. I can feel worthless.

But, God in His grace is quieting my heart, more and more through the years. I am learning to make Him my joy, more than all these other things (yes, even sanity). I am learning to look to those who are suffering far more than I, and be humbled. I should not complain, if I look around the world. I am married to a man who came to Canada as a refugee, fleeing genocide. I really ought to be humbled. I am learning to stop questioning God's purposes for allowing me to be in the body that I am in. I am learning to place my hope in a future glory, not in a 'right now' under the sun glory. I am repenting from self-pity, and submitting to God. I am not there yet. I still have very rough days. Please pray that God will refine me more. Please pray that I won't be tempted to covet when everyone around me is able to drive their kids to swimming lessons, go on bike rides, go camping, travel the world and have much less torment in their minds and hearts. It's hard. But this is one way I want to glorify God - to be content in every circumstance, whether facing plenty or hunger, abundance or need.
I am also learning to rejoice in what I do have - I have God. I seek to remind myself and reorient myself in the many blessings I have in Christ, and the bright future I can look forward to. I am learning to be thankful for sweet relationships, spiritual growth, and the peace of God.

If you struggle with contentment, I pray that the fear of God will fill your heart, more than the fear of man. This is where it had to begin with me for the 'fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.' I pray that you will learn God is for you, and not against you. This was the biggest lie I believe when I am struggling with contentment - I begin to believe God is against me. He is NOT. As high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His steadfast love toward those who fear Him. May the Lord be the lifter of your head.

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