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On Bible Reading, and Why it Can Feel Soul-Crushing to Read it During Dark Seasons

I've shared these things before, but Sony was in Psalm 40 this week. He ministered this passage to me and to others, and as he shared this passage, it crystallized why I had such a hard time reading Scripture for so long.

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~Psalm 40:13-17
"Be pleased, O Lord, to deliver me!
O Lord, make haste to help me!
Let those be put to shame and disappointed altogether
who seek to snatch away my life;
let those be turned back and brought to dishonour
who delight in my hurt!
Let those be appalled because of their shame
who say to me, 'AHA, AHA!'
But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation
say continually, 'Great is the Lord!'
As for me, I am poor and needy,
but the Lord takes thought for me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
do not delay, O my God!"
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I went through some traumatic events in the last decade or so.  


My health collapsed, and I received judgment about my health. I have a sensitive conscience in some ways, and when I'm being accused of sin (even though I know it is groundless), I get flustered and confused, and start to join others in accusing myself. I tell myself I'm not unwell, but I'm lazy. I'm not unwell, I'm in control of my health, and I'm the one failing to be well.  

However, I should have submitted to God, who was in control of my health, not me! I did sin, but in the opposite way! I tried to believe I had power to control health and disease - but in actual fact, only God has power over these things. And if God pleases to allow me to endure these things, I should do so in faith.  


I also experienced heart-breaking tragedy. And since a court case was involved, I had to relive the tragedy over and over and over, out of duty to the court. This lasted years. And around every corner, there seemed to be some new horrific thing awaiting us. We had no relief from grief and pain. The hardships kept plummeting my family.  


Honestly, I started to believe I was an anathema, something abhorrent to my family, to my church and to God. I was a burden. I felt I should be placed outside the camp and rejected. I felt rotten, poisoned. I felt like a walking plague.


During these years, with that mindset, I'd go and open my Bible. As I read, all I could hear in my head was "AHA! AHA!" I was utterly crushed, because as I tried to read, I experienced the overwhelming conviction that God was against me, and not for me. I was tortured by what people had said against me, what I said against me, and what I imagined should be said against me. Within minutes of opening my Bible, I'd be weeping, and in utter despair, just wanting to die. The spiritual forces of this dark world were at work. It had become impossible to read my Bible alone. All the other voices had become overwhelmingly loud, and every word I read seemed to be yet another accusation.  


Now that I have shared this experience that I had with my Bible reading with others, I've learned I'm not the only one who has been through something like this! In fact, I suspect this is possibly a common way that Satan seeks to torment the Saints, by using the Word of God to attack and accuse.  


If you are in a season like this, I pray that you would start in Psalm 40. God knows you are poor and needy, but HE TAKES THOUGHT FOR YOU. He is your help and your deliverer (v 17). He draws you up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and sets your feet upon a rock, making your steps secure (v. 2). He WILL put a new song in your mouth (eventually). None can compare to God, for He has multiplied His wondrous deeds and thoughts towards you (v. 5).  


Other ways I was able to read Scripture in this dark season:


-Sony read to me every night, and would patiently explain to me what each passage meant, and correct my false accusatory thinking in my despair.
-I listened to sermons by good preachers, and allowed them to interpret the Scriptures rather than the accusations in my head. Yes, listening to a 45 minute sermon can seem daunting, especially when in crisis, so I often just listened to 5 minutes at a time.
-I read good books on Scripture, also, reading 5 minutes at a time.
-I read good articles on Scripture.
-I listened to every single CCEF conference talk available. This ministry has been a life-line for me, as they so graciously speak into complex problems.
-I read certain 'safe' Psalms that had been sweetly applied to my heart by pastors in my youth such as Psalm 91 or Psalm 103.


I still have tough days, and I tread carefully. But now I know why reading the Bible led to weeping and despair. I kept hearing "AHA! AHA!" But this is not God's voice. He is a God of mercy, and draws near to sinners. He heals. He saves.
May the Lord give grace to all of us, to truly hear from Him every time we open His Word, and learn how to turn aside from the relentless accusations we might feel against us.

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