After my dear, sweet friend was murdered, I got very lost. I nearly lost my soul. I pursued a terrifying road to hell.
Grief is always intense, a drowning sensation, an end that is impossible to accept.
But in this instance, grief was mingled with profound betrayal. The murderer was also my friend. He was a pastor. I was part of his wedding party. We served in ministry together. He was one of the first to encourage my own relationship with Sony. He was like a little brother. When he was sick, I made soup for him. We laughed together, we sang together, we lived next door to one another. I always had some concerns about him, and he knew it. He often found me glaring at him for this or that childish behaviour. But we laughed about that too. I was protective of the girls, and he knew it. He was part of my main friend group. And he betrayed all of us. All of us…and most of all, her and his own baby.
In this case, grief was mingled with confusion. I thought he was responsible for her death. I was sure. But it took months before the police arrested him. The Bible teaches me that love hopes all things (1 Cor 13:7), and I fought to hope he didn’t do it. My pastors exhorted me to prudence, to wait for proof. If the police didn’t arrest him, then maybe he was innocent. I believed he had drugged her, but I knew how long autopsies take, and how long tox results take to come in. I was grieving another friend who had died just a few short weeks before this friend. I knew how long these things take because of her death. It takes just weeks, not months to get those results. But he wasn’t arrested in weeks. It took months. Long months. I waited for an arrest in agony. I didn’t have proof, but the police did. I had some small piece of evidence most others did not, but not proof. And yet, the police weren’t arresting him. This confusion nearly swallowed me up. It was gruesome.
In this case, grief was also mingled with rage. At a man who could kill his pregnant wife. My friend! This rage consumed. I fought that rage, and continued to seek to be in his life and call him back to repentance. When the police finally arrested him, I was so relieved, but the rage multiplied exponentially. I can’t describe it. It consumed me. Within a couple of months of his arrest, I was at a crisis point in my faith. I was tormented. I was tempted to curse God and die (I didn’t, but the temptation was brutal). My point of crisis? Vengeance. I knew God’s word:
“Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’ To the contrary, ‘if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.’ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” ~Romans 12:19-21
I wanted vengeance. I wanted to be swallowed up in my pursuit of vengeance. My rage was directed at my friend who murdered, but also at God. I was consumed by rage, and angry that God did not want me to be consumed by that rage. I wanted to be overcome by evil. I knew I couldn’t both love God and pursue my thirst for revenge. I knew I had to choose one or the other. I knew if I chose the vengeance, I could not claim to love God. I would have to abandon God, and my faith. I came very close to abandoning God and choosing my hatred. I was mere inches away from embracing evil and darkness.
But I thought long and hard. It was hard for me to pray. Probably impossible. It was hard for me to read my Bible. My heart was hard and black. I was hopeless, suicidal, and not just angry with this murderer, but angry at the whole world. I didn’t pray, but I thought.
I asked myself: “What would my life be like without God? What would the embrace of evil and darkness look like? What would be the consequences of cursing God and dying?”
And the verse that helped me out of this confusion and grief was the same verse that rescued me out of my confusion with God (was he good?) regarding my sexual assault.
“This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all.” ~1 John 1:5
Did I really want to abandon light? Did I really want to surrender to darkness, and all the horrific chaos that resides there?
I wrestled with these questions over the course of several months. I barely confessed these thoughts even to my husband, let alone anyone else. I was alone in this crisis of faith.
The simple truth? I don’t like the dark. Evil things happen there. Yes, I was happy to be consumed by darkness, overcome by evil, but I did not want to reside there with all the other darkness and evil. The gospel started to wash over me again, and rescued me from myself. I listened to sermons, and I was reminded of my own wretched sin that deserved wrath and eternal damnation. I was reminded of how Jesus traveled an infinite distance, from heaven to earth, and took on sin-infected flesh (flesh that could become diseased, that would age, that would die). He lived among us wretched people, who would reject him and persecute him and torture him. He did this in the most extraordinary act of love in history. I came to realise I did not want to curse God and die. I wanted God’s salvation. I wanted God’s love. I wanted to know a God of light. I wanted to be made light.
So, in this decision to remain as God’s child, and not curse him and die, I had to repent from my schemes of vengeance and rage. I had to start moving towards love and forgiveness. I still struggle. I have not arrived. The Holy Spirit sometimes sanctifies slowly. But every day, I am seeking to reject my rage and vengeance, and move towards love, grace and forgiveness. I want evil to be overcome with good.
In these dark days, where we hear our leaders calling for retribution and vengeance, and even war, please think of your relationship with God first. We cannot embrace darkness, and call ourselves light. Don’t be deceived, dear friends! I have been through this battle in profound ways. Please learn from my own close call to rejecting God’s ways, and embracing my own way.
“If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.” ~1 John 1:6-10
Oh Lord, please have mercy on us. We are frail creatures. We easily get lost. We easily rebel against you. We easily reject you in favour of our own will. Help us to learn that we cannot embrace vengeance and claim to love you. Help us to listen to your Word and obey you. Please keep us, and help us to not reject your light, but rather embrace it.
Maranatha.
But in this instance, grief was mingled with profound betrayal. The murderer was also my friend. He was a pastor. I was part of his wedding party. We served in ministry together. He was one of the first to encourage my own relationship with Sony. He was like a little brother. When he was sick, I made soup for him. We laughed together, we sang together, we lived next door to one another. I always had some concerns about him, and he knew it. He often found me glaring at him for this or that childish behaviour. But we laughed about that too. I was protective of the girls, and he knew it. He was part of my main friend group. And he betrayed all of us. All of us…and most of all, her and his own baby.
In this case, grief was mingled with confusion. I thought he was responsible for her death. I was sure. But it took months before the police arrested him. The Bible teaches me that love hopes all things (1 Cor 13:7), and I fought to hope he didn’t do it. My pastors exhorted me to prudence, to wait for proof. If the police didn’t arrest him, then maybe he was innocent. I believed he had drugged her, but I knew how long autopsies take, and how long tox results take to come in. I was grieving another friend who had died just a few short weeks before this friend. I knew how long these things take because of her death. It takes just weeks, not months to get those results. But he wasn’t arrested in weeks. It took months. Long months. I waited for an arrest in agony. I didn’t have proof, but the police did. I had some small piece of evidence most others did not, but not proof. And yet, the police weren’t arresting him. This confusion nearly swallowed me up. It was gruesome.
In this case, grief was also mingled with rage. At a man who could kill his pregnant wife. My friend! This rage consumed. I fought that rage, and continued to seek to be in his life and call him back to repentance. When the police finally arrested him, I was so relieved, but the rage multiplied exponentially. I can’t describe it. It consumed me. Within a couple of months of his arrest, I was at a crisis point in my faith. I was tormented. I was tempted to curse God and die (I didn’t, but the temptation was brutal). My point of crisis? Vengeance. I knew God’s word:
“Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’ To the contrary, ‘if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.’ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” ~Romans 12:19-21
I wanted vengeance. I wanted to be swallowed up in my pursuit of vengeance. My rage was directed at my friend who murdered, but also at God. I was consumed by rage, and angry that God did not want me to be consumed by that rage. I wanted to be overcome by evil. I knew I couldn’t both love God and pursue my thirst for revenge. I knew I had to choose one or the other. I knew if I chose the vengeance, I could not claim to love God. I would have to abandon God, and my faith. I came very close to abandoning God and choosing my hatred. I was mere inches away from embracing evil and darkness.
But I thought long and hard. It was hard for me to pray. Probably impossible. It was hard for me to read my Bible. My heart was hard and black. I was hopeless, suicidal, and not just angry with this murderer, but angry at the whole world. I didn’t pray, but I thought.
I asked myself: “What would my life be like without God? What would the embrace of evil and darkness look like? What would be the consequences of cursing God and dying?”
And the verse that helped me out of this confusion and grief was the same verse that rescued me out of my confusion with God (was he good?) regarding my sexual assault.
“This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all.” ~1 John 1:5
Did I really want to abandon light? Did I really want to surrender to darkness, and all the horrific chaos that resides there?
I wrestled with these questions over the course of several months. I barely confessed these thoughts even to my husband, let alone anyone else. I was alone in this crisis of faith.
The simple truth? I don’t like the dark. Evil things happen there. Yes, I was happy to be consumed by darkness, overcome by evil, but I did not want to reside there with all the other darkness and evil. The gospel started to wash over me again, and rescued me from myself. I listened to sermons, and I was reminded of my own wretched sin that deserved wrath and eternal damnation. I was reminded of how Jesus traveled an infinite distance, from heaven to earth, and took on sin-infected flesh (flesh that could become diseased, that would age, that would die). He lived among us wretched people, who would reject him and persecute him and torture him. He did this in the most extraordinary act of love in history. I came to realise I did not want to curse God and die. I wanted God’s salvation. I wanted God’s love. I wanted to know a God of light. I wanted to be made light.
So, in this decision to remain as God’s child, and not curse him and die, I had to repent from my schemes of vengeance and rage. I had to start moving towards love and forgiveness. I still struggle. I have not arrived. The Holy Spirit sometimes sanctifies slowly. But every day, I am seeking to reject my rage and vengeance, and move towards love, grace and forgiveness. I want evil to be overcome with good.
In these dark days, where we hear our leaders calling for retribution and vengeance, and even war, please think of your relationship with God first. We cannot embrace darkness, and call ourselves light. Don’t be deceived, dear friends! I have been through this battle in profound ways. Please learn from my own close call to rejecting God’s ways, and embracing my own way.
“If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.” ~1 John 1:6-10
Oh Lord, please have mercy on us. We are frail creatures. We easily get lost. We easily rebel against you. We easily reject you in favour of our own will. Help us to learn that we cannot embrace vengeance and claim to love you. Help us to listen to your Word and obey you. Please keep us, and help us to not reject your light, but rather embrace it.
Maranatha.
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