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On Living with Mental Health Issues

As difficult as it can be for people to understand and care for those living with chronic health issues/disability, it can be even more difficult for people to understand mental health issues.  Sadly, instead of drawing near, and binding up these broken souls, friends and family may instead react with judgment or feel personally offended.  For those of us living with mental health issues, we don't know how to respond to that judgment and personal offense.  We feel shame.  We feel helpless.  We might try to communicate and educate, but that often only makes things worse.  The judgment deepens.  The personal offense rises.  And then we feel more shame, more helpless.  We withdraw.  We become crippled and paralyzed.  We might even be angry.  We are lost.

My own experience:

For more than a decade, I've lived in a world of hell.  I've lived in chronic mental health crisis, and though I searched for it with many tears, I didn't know how to find a way out of that crisis.  

I was utterly broken and shattered.  

It was hard to think well because I felt like I was constantly drowning, gasping for breath and not getting any air.  

It was hard to do friendship well.  It was hard for friends to see what was happening to me, or understand why I was the way I was.  And I didn't have the words to explain it!  I still don't.

I was in a state of constant assault - anxiety, fear, flashbacks, despair, and nightmares relentlessly attacked me - ALL THE TIME.  I sought faith.  I sought hope.  I cried out to God.  I tried not fear.  But I was utterly immersed in this hell on earth in my soul.

My body was under constant attack.  From severe palpitations to crippling anxiety attacks, I was assaulted on all sides (soul and body).

I wanted to die.  I planned how I could die.  

I was desperate. Utterly desperate for some breath of hope.  Some small relief.

I searched for God's face, and He couldn't be found.

I felt abandoned.

I felt despised and rejected.  I felt unworthy.  

If you want labels, I was experiencing multiple kinds of trauma.  I was struggling deeply with chronic depression and anxiety.  I was suicidal.

LESSONS LEARNED:

1. Wait on the Lord

I was living in a constant state of excruciating torture.  And it felt like God had hidden His face from me.  But I clung to this verse:

"I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" ~Psalm 27:13f 

Relationships felt impossible.  I felt such shame that I couldn't love freely and confidently, able to be slow to offense and quick to forgive.  Friendships gone wrong felt like a further curse.  I was totally helpless to explain myself.  I was not myself.  I was untethered.   

Life felt impossible.  How to endure one more moment was beyond my imagination! I was utterly overwhelmed.

I wanted to sink into the abyss of darkness.  But, as I thought about this, I realised I wanted light!  I wanted God - there is NO darkness in Him whatsoever.  So instead of death, I chose to wait on God.

2. Lament

I lived in Psalm 62 for a while, crying out with Psalmist "How long will all of you attack a man to batter him, like a leaning wall, a tottering fence?"  In my lament, I continued to wait on God, and hope that He was who the Psalmist said He was: "He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress, I shall not be shaken." Ps 62:6f.

I listened to the Psalms on repeat, and lamented and rejoiced with the Psalmists!  I kept lamenting, throughout the long years.

3. Forbearance - We don't know what we don't know

I learned from God to humble myself and seek to be forgiving and gracious to those who hurt me in the midst of my deepest crisis.  If they rebuked me in my trauma, if they failed to understand I was seeking to be faithful with every fibre of my being, if they accused me of sin rather than extending compassion and help to me in my weakness and trouble, I learned how to seek God to help me to forgive.  When they attacked, I was certainly tempted to despair!  But I asked God to search me and try me and show me any wrong way within me.  And He recalled to my mind how judgmental and easily offended I had previously been when others went through seasons of crisis or suffering.  I learned that God teaches and sanctifies each of us in His time.  Many will not be able to be compassionate towards those in crisis until they experience a crisis themselves.  And I do not wish crisis on anyone.  So instead, I choose forbearance with their current lack of understanding, and seek to bless and not curse.  I live in Romans 12, and seek let my love be genuine, love one another with brotherly affection, outdo one another in showing honour, not be slothful but be fervent in spirit, serving the Lord, rejoicing in hope, and patient in tribulation!  I sought to be constant in prayer, and within my frailty, seek to contribute to the needs of the saints and show hospitality.  I sought to bless those who persecuted me, bless and not curse!  I sought to live in harmony with one another, to not be haughty but associate with the lowly.  I sought to not be conceited (pleading for humility).  I sought to never repay evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honourable in the sight of all.  I sought to be faithful, as far it it depended on me, to live at peace with all.  I sought to never avenge myself, but leave it to the wrath of God.  I sought to not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. (Romans 12:9-21). I didn't do any of this perfectly!  But Romans12 is where I lived and breathed.  I sought to put on Christ and waited on Him to help me. 

Forbearance looked different in different seasons of this mental health crisis.  Sometimes, in order to forbear, I needed to withdraw.  I was out of my mind.  I needed to reorient.  Sometimes, in seasons of a little bit more strength, I was able to bless in small ways, and in some tangible way seek to do good to those who hurt me.  As God continues to heal me from trauma, I am more and more able to extend more and more grace.  The love of Christ compels me.  And He gives me that peace that passes understanding so that I can love and forgive, despite my deep hurt.  

4. Fear of the Lord

I have learned to fear God more than man.  In fact, I can even rejoice in these sufferings because they expose the idolatry of my heart - that I seek the approval and comfort of my friends more than God!  God is showing me how gloriously 'other' He is from mankind!  His thoughts are above my thoughts and His ways are above my ways!  "For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His steadfast love toward those who fear Him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does He remove our transgressions from us." Psalm 103:11f. I rest in these realities.  I seek Him first, and His Kingdom and His righteousness!  As I do this, He gently heals my traumas, and gives grace to me in my brokenness.

Conclusion:

God has healed me through His word, through waiting on Him, through therapy, through ministries like CCEF, through friends who did draw near and show compassion and seek to strengthen weak knees, reminding me of the hope I have in Christ.  I am not out of the woods.  I still struggle deeply.  And some new storm of life may overtake me, and I might have new traumas to endure.  But I know the Lord is my rock and my salvation.  My soul waits on Him alone.  He is my fortress.  In the light of eternity, I SHALL NOT BE GREATLY SHAKEN.  My soul is safe in Him, whatever I may encounter in this life.  He is mine, and I am His.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.


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