Onward, Upward, and Further In

“Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.” Proverbs 16:32 I grew up in an environment of quick and furious anger. It was all I knew. It was so pervasive in my life that I assumed everyone in my life was dangerously angry, and could blow up on me at any second (whether deserved or not). This had a huge impact on my childhood. I grew up in terror. I had a hard time making friends. I literally trembled just trying to say hi to someone at school. I lived in the assumption that eventually everyone would be angry with me if they really knew me. Honestly…I was angry with myself. I was angry because I was overweight. I was angry when I struggled with math. I was angry at all my imperfections, and felt the weight of them keenly. I had some incredibly kind teachers. Small kindnesses shown to me then will never be forgotten. On one brutally cold winter day, I remember my fingers turning blue, and my teacher giving me hi...

I have been wondering why I am so interested in the increasing violence I am seeing in North America. I realise some of my friends may find it’s a strange thing to give my attention to….  But cyclical violence is very familiar to me.  It has touched me and even deeply scarred my life.  I have grown up witnessing the cycles of abuse. I am intimately acquainted with how that abuse has impacted my own heart. I was in danger of becoming abusive because I was abused. Would my abuser have abused me if they weren’t first abused themselves? I am a firsthand witness to abuse, and how this pattern of behaviour gets repeated from parent to child, parent to child, etc. The abuse I experienced inflamed my own rage, and it took years of work, repentance and self-control to unlearn that natural response of anger. I live with fear even to this day that it might yet take hold of me, and make a ruin of me and my daughter and her future children. Anger and violence in the home are not so di...

DARK SPIRITUAL FORCES “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against rulers, against authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.” Ephesians 6:12 I’ve been shaken this week. I have always treated the media with deep suspicion, and recognized its potential dangers. However, this week, I stumbled on something Bernie Sanders pointed out. I don’t follow Bernie Sanders, and I don’t know why this came into my feed. He wasn’t really pointed out anything new. But I have been paralyzed with horror ever since I read it. Something clicked in my brain. It really had nothing to do with Bernie or politics. It has to do with the sheer power that media has in our world. This comment merely stirred in me a realisation that shocked me. I have struggled to shake the despair that has encompassed me. Bernie Sanders said: “The wealthiest person in the world, Elon Musk, owns X. The second wealthiest pe...

In Canada, we do have a serious immigration problem. I don’t deny that. I don’t gloss over it. Yes, I love immigration when it’s done well. I love the beautiful mosaic of cultures that have informed and blessed my life through my vast diversity of friends. Each friend has been a treasure. I am excited to learn from their unique experiences and cultural influences. They bring a sweet balance to my life, broadening my narrow view of the world. My husband is Cambodian, and I couldn’t imagine having it any other way. I have been deeply humbled as I learn about Cambodia, and thrilled by the beauties that this country has (even if much of it has been brought low, due to Pol Pot). I love South East Asian food, and prefer it above any other food in the world! I love being challenged to consider suffering in a far more complex and tragic context than I experience here in Canada and in my own life. I am blessed to live in possibly the most multicultural city in the world. I have celebrated this ...

I have engaged in more political conversations over the last few months than I have ever done in my life. I keep asking myself ‘why?’. I am not really a political creature. Sadly, I understand more about American politics than I do Canadian politics. I lived in the States for a little while, and I learned a lot more than I expected. People are more political in the States, and I learned by listening to others in discussion. I don’t have as many of these conversations here in Canada. I confess, as a Canadian, I don’t usually know who or what I am voting for when I vote. My life is spent in other spaces. I do a quick glance at the platforms, and I vote. I often don’t watch any of the debates. Life is overwhelming, and trying to figure out what is happening in politics is often something I would not normally prioritize. I suspect most of my friends function like this too. So why am I engaging this so much right now? It started because this year I did want to know who I am vot...

After my dear, sweet friend was murdered, I got very lost. I nearly lost my soul.  I pursued a terrifying road to hell.   Grief is always intense, a drowning sensation, an end that is impossible to accept. But in this instance, grief was mingled with profound betrayal. The murderer was also my friend. He was a pastor. I was part of his wedding party. We served in ministry together. He was one of the first to encourage my own relationship with Sony. He was like a little brother. When he was sick, I made soup for him. We laughed together, we sang together, we lived next door to one another. I always had some concerns about him, and he knew it. He often found me glaring at him for this or that childish behaviour. But we laughed about that too. I was protective of the girls, and he knew it. He was part of my main friend group. And he betrayed all of us. All of us…and most of all, her and his own baby. In this case, grief was mingled with confusion. I thought he wa...

“…train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come.” 1 Timothy 4:8 This verse in Timothy is an incredibly important verse for those who struggle with health issues. We struggle uniquely. We don’t necessarily have the luxury of skipping exercise (such as physio, cardio for heart issues, etc). However, we also don’t always have the luxury of being able to be consistent in exercise due to unforeseen complications of health. We live in a desperation to stabilize our bodies enough to function better than we did yesterday. We don’t want to be an overwhelming burden to our loved ones and caretakers. We want to walk on our own, and be able to perform simple tasks (such as showering and going to the washroom). We want to maintain a little bit of independence (in contrast to complete dependence on someone else to do everything for us). Exercise is necessar...

I’ve always been taught the importance of words and their meanings. I remember my Dad expressing frustration when I flippantly used the word ‘awesome’ as a teenager. This particular word has a glorious meaning, a meaning that my Dad cherished. And my use of the word made it meaningless! He was offended because ‘awesome’ is how God is described. His desire for me was to preserve this word for God, who is holy.  For my dad, awesome meant: “Arousing or inspiring awe; that fills someone with reverential fear, wonder, or respect.” (Oxford English Dictionary) For me, as a teenager, I used the word awesome to describe even the most mundane things. If someone spilled their drink all over their white shirt, I might sarcastically remark: ‘Well, isn’t that awesome?’ Or if someone belched really loudly, I might have said: ‘Awesome!’ I used the word 'awesome' constantly as a teen, but I rarely used this word in the way it was intended to be used.  I confess, I still sometimes use the word ...

I have been seeing many articles about euthanasia in Canada. More and more people are seeking to argue against euthanasia. I am sincerely thankful for that. However, it is not enough to write articles. We need to live like we believe that the disabled and elderly should not be euthanized if we really want to win this fight. A Little Bit About My Experience with Disability and Chronic Illness: I’ve struggled with health issues since I was a child. I had such intense ripping horrific pain in my arms and hands, I had to quit guitar, flute and was not able to further pursue piano. I had to have special permissions for extra time to write exams (in high school and college), due to the severity of the pain. I struggled to use cutlery. There are many times I could not lift my fork from the plate to my mouth. Doctors had no answers. I felt pretty lost as a teenager, not knowing what jobs to pursue because of the limitations my arms gave me. I didn’t know what college programs to pur...