Slow to Anger:

“Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty,
and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.” Proverbs 16:32

I grew up in an environment of quick and furious anger. It was all I knew. It was so pervasive in my life that I assumed everyone in my life was dangerously angry, and could blow up on me at any second (whether deserved or not). This had a huge impact on my childhood. I grew up in terror. I had a hard time making friends. I literally trembled just trying to say hi to someone at school. I lived in the assumption that eventually everyone would be angry with me if they really knew me. Honestly…I was angry with myself. I was angry because I was overweight. I was angry when I struggled with math. I was angry at all my imperfections, and felt the weight of them keenly.

I had some incredibly kind teachers. Small kindnesses shown to me then will never be forgotten. On one brutally cold winter day, I remember my fingers turning blue, and my teacher giving me his cup of coffee to warm my hands. It’s a simple thing. But it shocked me. I guess I didn’t feel like I deserved that kindness. However, consistent kindness couldn’t melt my fear. I still expected rage to come out against me eventually. Note: It’s interesting that this same teacher decided to make me a lion in our class play. He wanted to give me a voice and courage, because I was typically more the trembling and quiet mouse. He could see something was wrong, and did what he could to help.

I remember a time when my Dad tried to help me make friends, since he was able to see that this was a challenge for me. He chose someone, and forced me to be friends with them. He rebuked me for being afraid, and for being picky. He had assumed I didn’t want to associate with her because I thought she was weird. However, I was terrified when I went to her house. I don’t know if it was warranted..it was probably just a normal family…but I was scared. I remember this friend being a little bit too pushy, and hurting me a little, though I suspect it was nothing out of the normal for kids (I could also be pushy…just ask my little sisters lol). But although she was just a kid being a kid, I freaked out. Again, I was trembling in fear, and never wanted to go back to her house again. I didn’t know how to have a reasonable response. My body reacted with sheer terror. I did see anger in that house, and I was paralyzed.

Looking back, I can see that most people were not angry with me as a child. But I functioned as though everyone was always angry and that they were mere moments away from tearing into me with wrath. I am thankful that my perception was not true. I am thankful that God did put patient and kind people into my life. It certainly took a long time for me to understand God’s heart towards me. I spent many nights as a child struggling to sleep due to fear of God’s wrath. I felt like an ugly, horrible person that deserved the worst possible treatment. The fires of hell awaited me, and I pictured them vividly. I feared God. I DREADED God. Whatever earthly anger I experienced, I assumed that would be multiplied by infinity in God towards me. You would think I grew up in fire and brimstone churches. I did not. My view of God stemmed from my experiences. Anger is contagious. I was a child experiencing anger from an adult. And that anger against me was turning into an all-consuming anger inside of me. I was becoming what was harming me. Adults had even said this of me. I looked in the mirror, and I saw a monster. I believed God was just and right in whatever anger I believed he held against me. I was so consumed by the anger around me and inside of me, I was unable to hear the full message about God’s anger. I believed he was quick to anger, and slow to save. Honestly, I think that as I looked into the mirror and saw that monster, I believed God was powerless to save me because His anger would have to condemn me.

How wrong I was! Praise God! One of the passages of Scripture that is most precious to me now is from Psalm 103:

“The Lord works righteousness and justice
for all who are oppressed.
He made known his ways to Moses,
his acts to the people of Israel.
The Lord is merciful and gracious,
Slow to anger and abounding in steadfast (Hesed) love.
He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever.
He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast (Hesed) love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.
For he knows our frame,
he remembers that we are dust.” Psalm 103:6-14

It has taken years of wrestling with these words to believe that God is different than people. It has taken years of studying Scripture deeply to understand that God is truly slow to anger, and does not always chide. I had read the Bible pretty superficially. I saw a lot of judgment and anger in those pages. The Old Testament terrified me, and I could only see a very terrifying and angry God. The New Testament also frightened me. I would focus on Jesus flipping tables in the temple, or his sober and scary descriptions of hell. I believed Jesus would hate me and condemn me.

By God’s grace and kindness, I read differently now. I cherish both the Old and New Testaments in ways I never knew possible before. God’s true character is transcendent. He cannot be compared to man. His holiness does include anger against sin, but it also includes unfathomable patience and love. God was slow to anger, even as His people sacrificed their children to Molech. They pursued all manner of evil…rape, murder, greed, and idolatry, and yet God showed them mercy and was slow to anger. Yes, God’s wrath is just, and He is our Judge. We should expect judgment. However, I failed to understand the nature of God’s love and His plans of redemption for us (a redemption made available to all nations, not just Israel).

I heard the gospel presentation more times than I can count in Sunday school. I remember the felt boards and the faithful teachers trying to help children understand what it meant for God to send his only Son to save us. They diligently explained that Jesus lived a perfect life, and died a cursed death for our sakes. They taught us that Jesus faced the wrath of God for the sake of our sins. They even helped us to think of some of the sins that Jesus paid the price for on that cross. But for many years, this went over my head. I didn’t understand. My experience of the world taught me to believe it was impossible for someone to love me or save me. My experience of the world taught me to brace for anger and condemnation. God, in his mercy, eventually gave me ears to hear. God eventually showed me his perfect compassion, and his holy love. Even now, he continues to heal me, and nurture me with His Word and his forgiveness. There is a cost to putting our faith in God. The cost is to die to self…but there is nothing I want more as I continue to look in the mirror and see a monster. I want to die to my natural inclinations. I want to be washed clean. I want to be a slave to love rather than death.

I don’t know how many people can relate to this. I don’t know how many have been intimately acquainted with anger in their homes and in their own hearts. But if you do relate to this, I hope you will find a sweet home in Psalm 103. I pray that God will minister his steadfast Hesed love towards you, which is infinite and glorious. I pray that you will lay down your own life, as Christ laid his life down for us, and put your faith in this transcendent God. We live in a world that is quick to anger. We can’t say anything without threat of severe backlash. What we learn from these conditions could be quite fatal to our proper view of God, and even our view of salvation. I pray that we will meditate deeply on what it means for God to be slow to anger, and seek His face on how we should emulate Him in his patience. God is not like us. This has become my greatest comfort in this world.

Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and all that is within me, bless his holy name!

Amen.