I’m fighting a cold today. It’s not the worst. I’m achey, and my head hurts. In some ways, I feel sort of better on days when I’m fighting a cold. My immune system kicks in, and somehow, that immune response kicks out some of the other chronic pain I live with daily. It’s more the fear of whether the cold will turn into something really bad that can get to me. I’m trying not to be anxious.
I’m also trying to pack for a bit of a vacation. It’s been five years since we have been on vacation. And I have a cold…. Finally, we get to go away, out of the city, and get a break, but who knows what this cold will turn into???
I used to get quite angry with God over things like this. Why me? Why can’t I just get a break? Everyone else around me seems to get several vacations a year, and they have the time of their lives! Why me? I never get a vacation from my pain, can’t I just have a vacation from the life I live in the city?
But I’m coming to accept that my life will never be like other people’s lives. I will never have the health freedom that others have. I have Multiple Chemical Sensitivity (MCS). This makes travelling completely horrifying sometimes, if the place I go to makes me sick due to the cleaners, air fresheners, or mold that are in the place I try to stay at. I would prefer a cold to the pain and torment inflicted on me when that happens. It’s indescribable…and sadly…unbelievable to most people I try to explain it to. But whether you believe me or not…it’s sheer horror on my body. I can only hope I will be ok at the cottage we are renting. I don’t ever know….
I like to get away to a quiet cottage when I can. I like to be surrounded by God’s nature, and be reminded that He is sovereign over everything. A vacation like this grounds me. My life is scary, for a variety of reasons. I don’t really experience this grounding while living in the city. But we live in the city for the sake of easy access to doctors, and people who can help me. I don’t spend a lot of time outside, because I’m always needing easy access to a washroom, or the sun or the heat are causing my body deep distress. I like going to a cottage because I am nestled right into God’s creation, even if I need to be inside (and it’s not too hard to take short bursts outside).
We can’t afford this vacation. We shouldn’t be going. But my husband is worried about my future. He’s worried I won’t be healthy enough to go away in years to come. Even now, I’m getting all kinds of mysterious neurological symptoms that frighten me. My husband is worried about whether future vacations will be impossible. He is all too aware that life could become even rougher than it is now. Neither of us know, of course. He wants us to have some time away before it is too late.
Towards Contentment:
So, as I fight this cold, and try to pack, I’m reflecting on contentment. I don’t want to be angry at God this time, if my ‘vacation’ is ruined by a cold, or by toxins in the place we are renting. There’s a temptation to believe I ‘deserve’ something from God. I can believe I deserve health, or the same privileges that many others around me have to be able to afford frequent vacations. I can believe I deserve some kind of favour from God because I have given my life to Him. After all, I’ve been indoctrinated with thinking I deserve the so-called ‘American dream’ here in Canada. The picket fence. The easy passage of time from childhood to becoming a grandparent.
Frankly, that’s twisted thinking. And I need to repent every time it crops up in my heart. Jesus promised suffering. He says: In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world (John 16:33).
We are not guaranteed comfort in this world. However, we are guaranteed comfort in the world to come, if we put our faith in Christ. When Jesus was captured and taken before Pilate, he said: My kingdom is not of the world. If my kingdom were of this world, my servants would have been fighting, that I might not be delivered over to the Jews. But my kingdom is not from the world(John 18:36).
I do not live for the pleasantries of this world, whether that’s health, vacations, or financial freedom. I ought to be deeply humbled by those around the world who live in poverty and a much greater degree of suffering than I can imagine, and yet live with courageous hope and contentment in Christ. I must learn to not live for joy today, but for an eternal joy in glory. The joy that I do experience today is because of that eternal joy in glory.
It's ok if I have a cold (or worse) during my rare opportunity to have a vacation. It’s ok if the cottage makes me sick. It’s ok if my friends and family can’t understand how complex my life is (between MCS, Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, dysautonomia, PTSD and these newer neurological symptoms). It’s ok, because this is not my world either. In the way that it is “better to go to the house of mourning than go to the house of feasting, for this is the end of all mankind, and the living will lay it to heart" (Eccl 7:2), it is also better for me to suffer than enjoy a multitude of comforts, because I will take that suffering to heart. I am daily brought low so that I can be weaned from this world, and set my face on my true hope in God.
Blessed, not Cursed:
It's a temptation for me to feel cursed. But this is a lie from the Accuser. I am blessed. When I am laid low, and have hopes and dreams destroyed, I am reminded that those hopes and dreams are vanity of vanities. Yes, if God chooses to allow me to have earthly comforts, I will praise Him. But if He deems it better to allow me to be weaned from the world, who am I to argue? “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord” (Job 1:21). My discomfort, my suffering drives me to remember every spiritual blessing, and praise God. I know myself. I easily lose myself in the comforts of this world, and the idols of this world, if God does not allow these thorns to prick me. It’s the pain of these thorns that remind me to meditate on this:
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth. In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory. In him, you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory” (Eph 1:3-14).
Whether or not I have a lovely vacation is meaningless in light of all of these glorious spiritual blessing that I have in Christ. And honestly, it is far easier to make peace with a painful vacation, or no vacations ever again than it is many other trials I may face (or have faced). I have lost dear friends in the most tragic circumstances. I have seen grave injustice. Men and women in my life have seemingly escaped the proper justice due to them. My heart goes black when I remember those cruel abuses, and the failure of authorities to prevent them from doing further harm.
Soon, my own home might be hard for me to live in (whether due to noise or toxins from new neighbours about to move in, or due to my inability to manage the stairs, or injury on those stairs). God is going to continue to test the genuineness of my faith. And I know I am weak. I know I will again cry out “My God, my God, why are you forsaking me? Why are you cursing me? Why do you hate me?” And I will have to re-orient, and continue to hold onto those spiritual blessings with an even tighter grip, and brighter hope.
We Will Come to Zion with Singing:
Life isn’t meant to be easy. But for those who hope in God, we have a bright future. One day, “the ransomed of the Lord shall return and come to Zion with singing; everlasting joy shall be upon their heads; they shall obtain gladness and joy, and sorrow and sighing shall flee away" (Isaiah 35:10).
I do not live for the pleasantries of this world, whether that’s health, vacations, or financial freedom. I ought to be deeply humbled by those around the world who live in poverty and a much greater degree of suffering than I can imagine, and yet live with courageous hope and contentment in Christ. I must learn to not live for joy today, but for an eternal joy in glory. The joy that I do experience today is because of that eternal joy in glory.
It's ok if I have a cold (or worse) during my rare opportunity to have a vacation. It’s ok if the cottage makes me sick. It’s ok if my friends and family can’t understand how complex my life is (between MCS, Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, dysautonomia, PTSD and these newer neurological symptoms). It’s ok, because this is not my world either. In the way that it is “better to go to the house of mourning than go to the house of feasting, for this is the end of all mankind, and the living will lay it to heart" (Eccl 7:2), it is also better for me to suffer than enjoy a multitude of comforts, because I will take that suffering to heart. I am daily brought low so that I can be weaned from this world, and set my face on my true hope in God.
Blessed, not Cursed:
It's a temptation for me to feel cursed. But this is a lie from the Accuser. I am blessed. When I am laid low, and have hopes and dreams destroyed, I am reminded that those hopes and dreams are vanity of vanities. Yes, if God chooses to allow me to have earthly comforts, I will praise Him. But if He deems it better to allow me to be weaned from the world, who am I to argue? “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord” (Job 1:21). My discomfort, my suffering drives me to remember every spiritual blessing, and praise God. I know myself. I easily lose myself in the comforts of this world, and the idols of this world, if God does not allow these thorns to prick me. It’s the pain of these thorns that remind me to meditate on this:
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth. In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory. In him, you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory” (Eph 1:3-14).
Whether or not I have a lovely vacation is meaningless in light of all of these glorious spiritual blessing that I have in Christ. And honestly, it is far easier to make peace with a painful vacation, or no vacations ever again than it is many other trials I may face (or have faced). I have lost dear friends in the most tragic circumstances. I have seen grave injustice. Men and women in my life have seemingly escaped the proper justice due to them. My heart goes black when I remember those cruel abuses, and the failure of authorities to prevent them from doing further harm.
Soon, my own home might be hard for me to live in (whether due to noise or toxins from new neighbours about to move in, or due to my inability to manage the stairs, or injury on those stairs). God is going to continue to test the genuineness of my faith. And I know I am weak. I know I will again cry out “My God, my God, why are you forsaking me? Why are you cursing me? Why do you hate me?” And I will have to re-orient, and continue to hold onto those spiritual blessings with an even tighter grip, and brighter hope.
We Will Come to Zion with Singing:
Life isn’t meant to be easy. But for those who hope in God, we have a bright future. One day, “the ransomed of the Lord shall return and come to Zion with singing; everlasting joy shall be upon their heads; they shall obtain gladness and joy, and sorrow and sighing shall flee away" (Isaiah 35:10).
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