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For Those Who Mourn:



When I was in my early twenties, I was full of excitement for what life might bring. Within reason, lol. I am naturally pessimistic. But youthfulness and idealism has a way of overcoming natural cynicism. I had dreams. Beautiful dreams. I wanted to help people. I wanted to be a blessing. I wanted to be someone who builds up and doesn’t tear down. I wanted a family. I wanted to fall in love. I wanted to make a difference with my family. I wanted to experience meaningful community. I wanted to be healthy and help others to be healthy…in body, mind and soul. I was eager and energised in the pursuit of my hopes and dreams. I didn’t want to waste my life.


Very quickly, my hopes and dreams started to take a hit. My health took a sideways turn. I was sent home from a ministry I loved more than anything else in my life (where I was blessed more than I served). I went home to try and get healthy, but twenty plus years later, my health continues to plummet. I pursued avenues to go into Missions, but again, my health interfered. I tried to complete my studies, but was discouraged from doing that by those at my school. It became harder and harder to have strong enough health to keep a full-time job…I persevered as long as I could. But then even that was taken away from me.

In God’s grace, He did give me a sweet daughter. But my ability to be all that other mothers were to their children was not given to me. There were a couple years where my health was so bad I could not get to Karalise’s crib/bed when she cried. I could barely walk. I was incredibly sick, and no doctors had any answers for me. Guilt and shame still plague me in how I fail to be the mother I wanted to be. I missed so much. I was unable to do so much…even simple things like preparing simple meals. I was profoundly limited in my ability to care for my daughter (or my husband).

And the hardship was compounded by other tragedies, suffering and fear. My faith was shaken. I felt alone. Abandoned.

I felt worthless.

Utterly worthless. Not worthy to live. Profoundly unworthy to live. I prayed to die.

Because of certain tragedies, the suffering in my mind intensified. This was the most gruesome pain I endured. The prison of my mind, the prison of terror and horror in my mind. I couldn’t breathe. Ever. I was brutalized by memories. I was suffocating, and no one could help me.

I was broken. Shattered.

My youthful dreams were all crushed. The hope of a life of meaning, of worth, of being a blessing to others seemed to be obliterated. I was a curse. Not a blessing. I was an anathema.

I’ve been doing a little better in my heart and mind in the last few weeks. But my 44 years have felt crushing. I have had so little relief. There seems to be some new terror or disaster around every corner. It’s painful to exist.

Instead of a life fulfilling my youthful dreams, my life has been a life of mourning. I have mourned innocence. I have mourned the death of dreams. I have mourned the death of loved ones. I have mourned the death of health. I have mourned fractures in relationships. I have mourned the loss of a sound and peaceful mind.

And as I look around at my friends…I’m grieved to see that many of them are also mourning. So many are mourning.

I have lived so much in the darkness, it sometimes feels like I should succumb to it, and give up. It is tempting to despair in God Himself.

But, I want light. I need light. I yearn for light. I want to be released from the darkness. I am crushed by the darkness. I am drowned by the darkness. I want to breathe. I want to hope. So I turn my face to God…as weak and powerless and hopeless as I am. I turn my face, though I am feeling defeated by doubt. I turn my face, though I am feeling defeated by sin. I turn my face, though I am feeling defeated by life itself.

And I remember Jesus, the light of the world. He is the Anointed One:

“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor,
he has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor,
and the day of vengeance of our God;
to comfort all who mourn;
to grant to those who mourn in Zion--
to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified.”
~Isaiah 61:1-3

While we may not feel it right now, there is comfort coming for those of us who mourn. The ashes will be removed. Death will not have victory. We will know life…free from death.

In whatever way we feel like captives in our live, we can be assured that we will one day be released and freed: from sin, from the sin of others, from loss, from suffering, from pain, from sickness, from the torment of our minds, from war, from prison.

If you are poor, there is good news.
If you are brokenhearted, Christ will bind you up.
If you are captive, you will know liberty.
If you are bound in prison, you will be made free.

We can rest in the vengeance God will have against the way sin has harmed our lives. We can rest in the vengeance God will have against those who do evil against us. We can rest. Vengeance is not ours, it is God’s and what a relief. He will see to it.

Those who mourn will be given the oil of gladness. Our mourning will be cleansed from us. We will be renewed. We will be given new hope. We will be taught to hope. We will be nourished.

For those who are faint in spirit, we will be given garments of praise. It may be hard to lift your voice to sing now. The darkness may be consuming now. We may be too weak to hope. But all of that will be lifted, and be replaced with beautiful garments of praise.

We will be made oaks of righteousness. We will no longer fall short. We will no longer break and bend. We will be made strong in Christ’s beautiful righteousness.

No matter what dreams have died, no matter how faint our hearts, One is coming who will give our lives worth. We will glorify God. No matter how broken we are… We will glorify God.

May God give you hope today. May God give me hope too.

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