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On Surviving Seasons of Grief, Disorientation and Conflict:



The last few months have been more than intense. Many troubles weigh my heart down. Many internal doubts are rising to the surface. I have been fighting fear, shame, and even a crisis of faith.

Health Issues:
My health is gradually improving from some scary neurological symptoms I experienced last year, but now I’m really feeling the fear of the unknown. Doctors don’t know why. Doctors can’t help. I’ve had so many tests. I recently saw my Cardiologist, and he asked for an update on my neurological symptoms.  He was rather concerned that my symptoms are not fully resolved, and by the fact that we don’t have any answers for them. But he's a Cardiologist. He’s not a Neurologist. It’s not his field. I’ve been pretty unsettled by the lack of answers. But more than that, I’m constantly bracing for a resurgence of crippling symptoms. I can’t forget, because I still get some of these strange symptoms now. I never know if I should attempt to go for a walk without a wheelchair…what if my foot drops again? What if my leg spasms in intolerable pain again? Today, I couldn’t stay on the elliptical due to spasms and numbness in my leg. That underlying fear of what might come next never leaves. I don’t know how to prepare for something that doctors don’t even understand. And the neurological issues are not my only health problems. I have a heart that sometimes likes to skyrocket for no reason. I have EDS (Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome), and all the problems that come with that. I’m constantly working to try and minimize my impact on my family. I’m trying to stay mobile for their sakes, so that I’m not an impossible burden. But my health is not in my control. I cannot stop what is coming next…

Grief:
There’s been loss in the last few months. And somehow, those losses reawaken the harsh memories of other losses. And I’m flooded with grief that I cannot name. Death is. And it horrifies me. There’s no escaping it. We are dust. And to dust we return. My dreams are filled with those who are gone…. My days are filled with flashbacks of moments with those who are gone…

Doubt and Disorientation:
And in the broader sense, life has been disorienting. What is truth? What is faith? Can we discard truth for conspiracy theories?  What is hope? What is faithfulness? What is idealism versus what is righteousness? What is pride, and what is seeking discernment? What is accountability? I’ve been in a bit of a crisis of faith. I haven’t known who I can trust. I have seen the Scriptures used in confusing ways. Panic rises in my soul, and I don’t know up from down. I don’t know how to communicate. I don’t know how to make myself understood. I don’t know what it looks like to be godly anymore…
Even the basics of what Christianity is has been shaken.  What is the gospel? Do Christians know the gospel anymore? Is our primary aim to be light or to proclaim the Good News of the gospel? Do any of us live out our faith in a way that reflects the glory of Christ’s humility? Do we repent? Do we die to ourselves? Do we sacrifice for others? Do we help the lowly? Do we expect to suffer? Do we truly believe in the sufficiency of Scriptures?  Do we love? Do we forgive? Do we trust in God when chaos threatens to consume? I’ve been feeling lost. I’ve been feeling disillusioned and discouraged by the broader Evangelical movement. Who is shepherding the sheep?  Who is guarding them from what is false?  Who is teaching the fullness of Scriptures?  Who has courage to warn as much against the far right as the far left?  A 'Christian' man assassinated a lawmaker and her husband this weekend.  Who is decrying this?  We know from history that Christians can do horrific things.  When Christians don’t represent Christ to the world, I feel anger and despair. When Christians are more concerned for their own lives than they are the souls of the lost, I am distraught. I’ve been wondering who I am, and where I belong as a Christian…. Am I being judgmental? Am I failing to see well? I feel lost. And this is not a great state to be in…

I’m trying not to drown…

Distractions and Distress:
I’ve sought to distract myself with an academic study of what’s happening in the world. Sometimes, engaging a different, unused part of my brain seems to help me stave off the panic rising in my soul. I’ve dived into economics, not because I have any interest in economics, but because I needed something else to think about. So long as I keep it academic, this has helped a little. It helps me when I try to learn things outside of myself. I feel a little more grounded. It helps me get my eyes off my own life and see into the vastness of what other people are experiencing. Studying history has similarly helped to ground me.

But the world is moving into deeper chaos, and learning about economics has turned into trying to understand the political forces that are seeking dominance in the world. This is alarming. And this drives me into Scripture, despite the doubts and disorientation in my soul. God alone sees perfectly what is happening in this world right now. God alone knows what will become of us. God alone can stop total disaster.

From Distraction to More Distress to Being Still:
My distraction from distress has led to unfathomable distress…distress for the nations in a time of great tumult. But this distraction has also led me to seeking the God who laid the foundations of the earth, and remembering that our times are in His hands. There will be an end. We know this. Whether the end is near, I do not know. But I am resting in passages like this:

“God is our refuge and strength,
a very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam,
though the mountains tremble at its swelling.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy habitation of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.
The nations rage, the kingdoms totter;
he utters his voice, the earth melts.
The Lord of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Come, behold the works of the Lord,
how he has brought desolations on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the chariots with fire.
‘Be still, and know that I am God,
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!’
The Lord of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.”
~Psalm 46

I can’t make my dismay go away. My health problems always remind me that they are there, and they are unpredictable. My grief swallows me. My crisis of faith threatens to undo me. The troubles of the world are too heavy to bear.

There is one thing I know: the Bible teaches us to expect all of these things. If we seek to be wise, we must submit to the reality that nothing is in our control. But we know the ONE who is in control! He is God. He is holy. He is just. He is merciful. I tremble before Him. I am weak, and I am filled with sin. I ask Him to search me and try me, and see if there is any grievous way in me and lead me in the way everlasting. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. I am in constant need of these words. These are the words of life, and when everything else fails, I must seek God. He holds this world in His hands. He will do what is right. The chaos of sin has been allowed to fester all this time so that His plan of redemption could save. Even those not born yet. May God help. May God bring peace to the nations. May God raise up Christians like Elisabeth Elliot and Corrie Ten Boom to help us know how to live for God, by dying to ourselves. May God grant unity to Christians, who seem to be tearing one another apart. May God grant rest to my soul. I am weary.

Sometimes, when I write, it’s an effort to help others to hope. Today I write in an effort to help myself to hope. I have been shaken. And I continue to be shaken. But God is my rock. He is my refuge and strength. I need to be still, and know that He is God.



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