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On Trauma and Communication:


I don't know about others, but certain trauma has utterly broken my ability to communicate normally. I've always been told things like "I'm a mystery" or "I don't understand you". I've also been harshly rebuked for waiting two years to tell someone about something that has hurt or confused me. I've had friends get fed up with me.

I'm only just now scratching the surface of how broken my ability to communicate is! I am trying to figure it out, and learn how to do that...but it's very messy, and I simply just don't always know how.


So what's the problem? Where do things break down for me?

  • Because of past trauma (especially in dysfunctional relationships), I get paralyzed. I shut down. I don't mean to! But it happens so organically, I don't even recognize it! From simple things (like a grocery list) to the more complex (like addressing conflict), I can be paralyzed and be unable to speak. There's a lot of fear for me. It can cling to me, and I don't realise it's there, and it cripples me. 
  • When I do manage to speak, I can often speak 'around' the issue, but fail to pinpoint the 'heart' of the issue. I don't even realise I'm doing this. It just happens. I'm trying as hard and as desperately as I can to communicate clearly, but I can't.
  • I'm actively working on communicating better now, but I fail to communicate succinctly. I might manage to say all the things to address a matter, but I do so over the course of months. This makes it hard for others to know what I'm actually getting at. They have months worth of words to sort through...and while it's all there, they don't know how to piece it all together. And I really struggle to know how to piece it all together in one shot for them, with helpful clarity. So even when I am managing to communicate, it's messy and long and confusing.
  • Another thing that makes it hard for me to communicate is that I deal with a lot of self-doubt. It takes me a long time to figure out if something is even worth communicating. I typically assume it's not worth communicating (but get rebuked later because I failed to communicate). 
  • And finally, my communication skills struggle, because I assume people understand or know what I've been through, and how that has contributed to who I am now. I'm learning that even when I do share, with much vulnerability, the things I have been through, this does not automatically mean people will understand what I've been through and be able to connect those dots. 
I'm learning, slowly but surely. But I'm also learning communication is hard, even when you haven't been through severe trauma lol! Communication is a skill that needs to practiced. It's not automatic. Some personalities are more naturally equipped with communication skills than others! But we all need to keep learning, with love and grace, to communicate clearly. None of us can take clear communication for granted. Being human is hard!

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