Dating and Attraction

"Charm is deceitful, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." 

~Proverbs 31:30

"For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart." ~1 Sam 16:7b

When I was single, I took these verses to heart. I sought to be a woman who fears the Lord. But I also sought to desire a man who fears the Lord. I understood that charm in men is as deceitful as it is in women. I understood that beauty in men is as fleeting as beauty in women. These verses challenged my entire worldview. God humbled me, as I prayed and prayed through these two verses.

Many of us, whether man or woman, have lists, or must-haves. For most of us, our inclinations are very shallow. Myself included. I put inordinate value on attractiveness, talents (like musicality, artistry, etc) and personality. Not that these things are totally unimportant. But for me, and for many of us, these things were the foundation of what I was looking for in an ideal spouse.

But God convicted me, and asked me to trust Him, to let Him reframe my desires. His thoughts are higher than my thoughts, His ways higher than my ways. Would I be willing to trust Him to change my heart and my priorities? Would I be willing to hold 'my list' with an open hand?

One thing on my list was height. I just wanted a guy who was taller than me. He didn't have to be super tall, but taller than me. I also didn't want a guy who enjoyed math (because I don't enjoy math lol). I thought I needed someone who was more extroverted than me, to draw me out.

If you know my husband, he is shorter than me, he does enjoy math, and he is less extroverted than me. I thought I needed those things, but God knew better. Sony is a person, created in the image of God. God sovereignly chose what his height would be - who am I to reject him, based on height? Sony's heart is for me, he loves me faithfully, he considers my needs above my own. Height really didn't matter so much once I learned his heart. As for math, I am thankful he enjoys math! He is not the same person as I am lol! And praise God for that. I grow rather weary of myself, so being married to someone with different giftings and interests has actually been very refreshing and stretches me in positive ways. Finally, Sony is more introverted than I am, and this has actually been a grace to me. God drew me out. I didn't need a husband for that. And because Sony can be quieter than me, it has taught me to be more warm and outgoing to others. Now, people are surprised to learn that I am actually an introvert. It's been God's work in my life that has helped me to have more of a voice than I did before.

God is wise. He is wiser than we are. Ask God to change your priorities in dating to His priorities rather than your priorities. Ask Him to change your heart. Ask Him to help you appreciate every person. Honestly, sometimes, what we are and are not attracted to is downright sinful. Every person is created in the image of God, but we allow the world to disciple us and dictate to us what is attractive and what is not. We need to ask God to renew our minds! We need to repent from shallow thoughts on what is attractive. God has taught me to love blue, and green, and red, and orange, and purple and yellow. I don't have a favourite colour anymore! I love God's creativity! I love God's design in each of His creations. If God can mature me in this, He can certainly help me to be in awe of every person He has created. Ask God to share His thoughts with you! Ask God to help you value what He values! And most of all, in dating, ask God to help you desire someone who fears the Lord. If you don't, I suggest you don't date until God works this in your heart.

Is attraction in dating unimportant? That's not what I'm saying at all. But there's a whole lot of complicating factors. Our hearts have been dulled by sin and by the media. What we are attracted to is often foolish. I'm saying that BEFORE you date, pray God changes your affections according to HIS will for you! And wait on Him!

However, lack of attraction CAN be an indicator that you should not continue in a dating relationship. God does use attraction in dating. But this is incredibly nuanced! Sometimes we don't start out being attracted to someone, but then God changes everything, and that person is transformed in our minds. However, if God has already done a great work in your heart to value what He values, and you really do desire someone who fears the Lord more than you value charm or beauty, and you are still not attracted to someone, that might just signify that you should not pursue a dating relationship with that person! But you can't discern this if you haven't first had your heart humbled and renewed by God with the kind of values He has for men and women.

So often what we are not attracted to is dehumanizing. Ask God to help you so you can see this and repent from this.